Finished

Seems like I’ve come out of a stressful exam. An exam that was way too prolonged and too complicated.

It began the day I received news that my father-in-law passed away. In that second, three things came to mind:

1. My own father’s sudden departure 2 years back
2. A feeling of shock and horror, resulting in state of speechlessness
3. My father-in-law’s words that after him, I must take care of the family.

In an extended family like my wife’s, there are many layers of command and control, elements of almost a “tribal” unspoken understanding of relations, obligations and traditions. Having come from a family of five, and thus unfamiliar with the notion of being part of a larger family of uncles, nieces and aunts, little did I expect the shock and awe that awaited me.

I was thrust into the role as the person filling in the very large shoes of my father-in-law. I became the so-called “Man of the Moment” – at every major decision point, I had to call the shots, and at every major function, I had to be seen calling the shots, even if I totally didn’t have to. I had to ensure that relations with all the relatives were maintained at the status quo (which was at level “excellent”, thanks to my wife’s generous parents), and that I did all that was necessary for my wife’s family. Unfortunately, the level “excellent” was something I could not maintain, because my father-in-law was a oft-forgiving man, who saw that it was in his family’s best interests to maintain cordial relations with everyone – he was an extremely popular man.

For 40 days, we organised prayer sessions for my father-in-law – essentially the recitation of surah Yaasin, some zikr (repeated invocations of Allah) and the do’a (supplications) for the well-being of my father-in-law. Slowly, I realised that people expected many more things out of prayer sessions than just spiritual fulfilment of their prayers for the deceased. They wanted to be treated like guests at a wedding – served with tea, good food, high quality customer service and proper invitations to the prayers. They wanted to gossip at the prayers – who did what, how, when. They even began to gossip and speculate various things about my wife’s family. And me.

It was tiring. I felt that it was not meant to be like this. My wife’s family went through a lot during these 40 days, and my own family could feel the strain. My elder son hated crowds, and my infant son hated the aura. My wife hated everything – it was a pure pain in the vitals to have to lug young children to a place which is filled with people making comments about how to bring your kids up the way they did 40 years back.

But we persevered – I did everything I did for my father-in-law which I did for my own father after he passed away. For me, the spiritual aspect of the prayers is crucial – it is a chance for the everyone involved to also seek repentance and gain barakah when doing prayers for the deceased.

So when the 40 days ended, we sighed a huge breath of relief – we kind of missed doing the prayers, but we did not miss the relatives. In fact, we were clearer who were the ones who would come forward to help us, and who would not hesitate to bad-mouth us in our own homes.

I’m just relieved that everything’s over now – time to catch up on some sleep.