What is with you - you might not realise that you have it with you.
Usually, I'd make it a point to do extra acts of worship during Ramdan - everyday go for terawih, recite the Qur'an and so on. During my fast, I'd be self-conscious of my fast and have thoughts of sacrifice, patience and the good feeling that I was being blessed. I felt the Ramadan "magic".
This year, it was very different. Since Zayed's arrival, our daily routines changed, and needless to say, the Ramadan schedule was a major hurdle, mainly in terms of sleep. (My wife got the brunt of it - waking up early for the pre-dawn sahur and sleeping late due to housework and Zayed's inability to sleep sometimes.)
Unlike previous years, I couldn't feel the Ramadan magic. I'd be tired, hungry, and wasn't afraid to admit to myself that I felt so. I would feel sleepy and lethargic at work. I missed a record number of terawihs at the mosque as a result of the need to sleep.
But good things came out - we went to my mom's house almost everyday to break fast. I truly appreciated my wife's energy to take care of Zayed and prepare the pre-dawn meals. I performed a record number of terwaihs at home. We hosted a record number of iftar sessions at home!
Eventually, my wife and I decided that tangibly, it seemed that we weren't able to perform the regular and 'prescribed' acts of worship - but we were able to tell ourselves that we were taking care of another human being in the house who wasn't around at Ramadan last year, and that we'd be rewarded for these little inconveniences, like the lack of sleep.
Eid passed. And the Friday I went to work, I totally, totally missed Ramadan. I missed the waking up before Fajr. I missed the iftar. I missed the need to perform terawih. I felt why God decided to just give us one such month of bountiful rewards. All it took was one wholemeal sandwich in the morning of Friday to sustain my breakfast and lunch. I didn't feel like eating dinner either.
And then I realised that truly, the magic of Ramadan was with me, but I had not sensed it then.
But I'm extremely thankful that I was given this feeling of longing... and not the certain feeling of apathy I felt at times during Ramadan.