Forty

Traditionally, in our culture, we do a large-scale prayer for a deceased person on the fortieth day of his or her demise. Some say there is no religious basis for such a practice - but some do it to make their heart content that they have prayed, all they can, to God to forgive the souls of the departed.

Likewise, my family conducted a prayer session for our Dad two days ago, to mark the fortieth day of his passing. In many ways, it was a milestone in my family's life. It was the end of the immediate mourning period, and a time after which to slowly begin to move on and re-orient, re-align and re-direct our lives for other purposes in our lives.

The death in the family taught my family many things, alhamdulillah.

1. The people we thought were the furthest, were the most willing to come forward. My father’s funeral preparations were mostly guided by my parents-in-law and uncle from my wife’s side. They provided me with much-needed consolation and ideas on how to proceed with funeral preparations, without forcing it down our throat. It was they who came for all the major prayers. It was they who helped to round up the amazing numbers of helpers for the jenazah preparations. It was they who helped us at home with food preparations when my mother was overcome with emotions. If I hadn't married, at the age I did (the wisdom of which many questioned) I would have none of these important people in my life. My family would have been mostly clueless and without emotional support.

2. The people who were supposed to be the closest, were unfortunately not. These included people from India who unhesitatingly would wail over the phone and increase my mother’s grief, or worse still, question the entire concept of death as being unfair. They would suggest that death is a cruel end, one that should never happen to anyone. Some even came to rejoice in our mourning. These individuals were not contacted ever again.

3. All along, I had wondered that it was such a miracle that Allah gave me the divine light of His Presence and Power at age 19. This is an age which is typically considered late, when you talk about learning about religion. The knowledge of reciting the Holy Qur’an, the experience gained to lead a jamat in the last 8 years all made clear sense when I led the jenazah (or funeral) prayers for my father, and when I recite the yaasin for him. Alhamdulillah! The best things one could do for one’s loved ones are free. The recitations and prayers I hadiah ("dedicate") for my father are all free, but priceless for his life in the hereafter, Insha Allah!

4. In all the above, the underlying lesson was that the Divine Will of Allah is undeniable and All-powerful. We do not and cannot know everything. But we can try to find reasons for the things we do earlier, in the things that happen later. This is Al-Qadr or predestination. I realize the need to let go and let things happen on their own course. It is of no point to worry and fret about things that one has no or limited control of. Do what you can in your utmost power; listen to your heart for directions; then just do it. Leave the outcome to Allah.

5. You only realize a person’s greatness after their gone. A Tamil proverb goes: “Appan arumai maandal theriyum”, which literally means that a father’s significance is known after he is no more. How true this is! We tend to forgive the deceased all their seemingly eccentric or strange behaviours through one explanation or another, by giving them the benefit of the doubt. But why wait till they pass away before we do that? Why don’t we give the benefit of the doubt when they are here?

6. Death is ever in wait for us. Just because the bulk of us pass away when we are in our 70s or late 60s does not mean it is the rule. Death can come to anyone aged 0 and beyond, anywhere, anytime, anyhow. We are all not born at the same time; so how can we expect to all pass on at the same time? Weak as we are, we still need to recall this fact to affirm the belief that Allah will summon his servants according to a fixed time, unknown to us.

7. Losing someone suddenly is extremely painful. But knowing that the person had a good mawt and the way the person was sent off to the next world in a good manner is comforting and allows us to be humble and recount our short time in this world, and spend it very carefully.

Indeed, as our beloved Prophet s.a.w. told us - be in this world as a traveller or a guest. Our stay in this abode is very limited, and we do not know when we will be called back.